honestly...

I wonder if one of my best friends in the world, who I regard as one of the most amazing people I have ever met, who has been through thick and thin with me and has never let me down, will be different. After all two years is a dreadfully long time. I stayed up last night reading through all the letters that I have received from him, it was such a wired experience; seeing what I've been through in theses past two years from his prospective. Wow, I miss him. He's coming home tomorrow and I'm determined to see him. Even if I have to step out of my comfort zone to talk to one of his friends so that I can find out how I can see him, I will.

Last night I told my best friend that I can't live with her next year. OUCH! I did better than I thought = no tears. But I feel so horrible because I know how sad I am and I can't even imagine how she feels. She doesn't hate me = what I should've realized all along. She is my best friend after all, one of my greatest fears is that it won't stay that way.

I withdrew from NAU = why I can't live with her. It's killing me right now but I know it's what i have to do and I'm pretty sure it is what is best. Bottom line I can't afford it. I don't regret going there for my first year because I had alot of experiences I couldn't have had any other way and met people, such as my best friend, so in no way do I wish I wouldn't have but now I have to be more aware of my situation especially because my dad can't help me as much next year. AND I don't feel I should waste time doing something that I don't love, which is the other bottom line just superficial to not affording it.

Missing people makes me crazy. Right now I miss alot of people. I miss some because they are far away and I miss others because I haven't seen them even though they are close. I just hate when that person that you were so used to being there, is not. Things as simple as sticking my finger in his mouth when he's yawning because for some reason he is always yawning, "it must be because of the altitude". Or not really having to decide what you'll do when you are together cuz we just end up going to sonic like old times. Or something as huge as just listening to me when I cry, which is something hard for me to let most people see. I hate missing people.

Things are getting better and things are getting worse. I'm finally finding a place for everything in my room which takes alot of the everyday stress I was feeling away and also makes me feel like I really do belong here and I'm not just some guess that she has to share her room with. I still don't have a job which makes me anxious because i need to be earning money and I feel like a slacker even though I've turned in, what feels like, a million applications. And of course the missing increases daily.