Hello tiny human,
I've been thinking alot about you lately so I just wanted to lay some things out for you. I have no desire to share my body with you. I think pregnant belly pictures are gross and weird. I think those posters/wall hangings about "you're the only one that's heard my heart from inside" are scary and more like a horror movie plot that something that should be considered adorable. I never need to know what it's like to be kicked internally or allow other people to touch you through the layers of skin and uterus that you would have to jab very hard for that to happen. These things are just really super not ok with me.
However, I'd like you to understand just how badly I want to be your mom. When I look at my baby cousin I am amazed. She is so beautiful and so lucky. In me, she has a cousin that is totally in love with her and my love is minute in the category of people who love her. She has 2 sisters who could not be more proud to get to be her big sisters. She has a mom who unselfishly went through really tough stuff to get her here. And a daddy that lights up and becomes a softy the instant he sets eyes on his little darling. And many many more who love her unconditionally. Every baby deserves that. Not just the babys that are planned into perfect families. Not just the babies who are carried by the person that will be their mom. All babies. I can't help but ache to give that kind of love that surrounds this baby cousin to someone like you who wouldn't otherwise receive it.
I want to hold you when you cry. I want to instill in you the utmost confidence in yourself and all you can do and be. I want to read you fairy tales and stories of a man named Jesus. I want to share with you my passion for sign. I want to teach you that people are good. I want to build you up and never cut you down. I want to do silly things for you just so you know how much you are loved by me. I want to be your biggest fan. I want to learn so that I can honestly answer any question you pose to me. I want to make you feel safe. I want to let you make decisions. I want you to believe what you want to believe, even if eventually we believe differently, I want to allow you to always choose for yourself. I will instinctively wipe your runny nose, bandage cuts and kiss bruises. I will be more than willing to help with with all the gross stuff that goes along with life, lets just skip all that comes with the "pre-life" stuff.
I'll do my best to not let my weakness rub off on you. By not forcing half of my crazy genes on you I'll allow us both to deal with your own unique genetic traits. I'll give your all sorts of things to eat, I'll try not to make faces when I eat things that I don't like personally so you can have an open mind and hopefully enjoy trying new things. I'll tell you that I love you. I'll tell you how I feel about things even though it's not something I'm not good at. My point in all this rambling is that you, all though non-existent at the moment and non-conventional in the future if I get to make this dream into a reality, will be loved with every fiber of my heart and soul.
LOVE, me.
(Some people think it's stupid to write/talk to inadimate ojects or hypethetical people but I kinda do it anyways when I visualize things so why not write it out?)
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