"I'll do anything you say, if you say it with your hands"

He signed "I want you forever."
And I believed him with all my heart.
Words are literally meaningless. But signs say it all.
I never was able to express to him how much that meant to me.
Needless to say, almost two years ago...I said "yes".
And from that day I've never been the same. I never can be.
I was happy.
I felt as if every hair, every cell, every part of my being down to my bones was beaming with the joy inside of me. I'd never been that happy before. It was almost more than happy because he was so close to being mine. And that's all I ever wanted.
Months went by, arrangements were made, pointless arguments were had but through it all I persisted because I was doing what had to be done in order to arrive at the thing I wanted most. So I made the endless revisions to guest lists, gathered addresses, found the perfect colored dessert napkins, and every little detail was almost accounted for when my world came to a sudden halt. I looked into those baby blue eyes that had me from the start, stared at that forced smile that under different circumstances I could have read like a book and took in the saddest of all the words I've ever had to try and understand. And from the moment I heard them I shut down. I didn't react. I didn't listen to anything else. I didn't process. I just couldn't. I went in the house and showed my siblings the perfect shoes we finally found to go with my fairytale dress because I couldn't tell them what had happened. I just faked my own smile and waited for that horrible day to end.
Two years later I'm still waiting for it all to end.